A recent book has emerged called, “Picking Cotton”, which is the memoir of two unlikely strangers who have become friends through the power of forgiveness. The woman, Jennifer, was raped when she was 22 and her eyewitness account led her to pick Ronald Cotton as the attacker. He was convicted and spent 11 years in prison. The introduction of DNA evidence eventually led to Cotton’s release and the woman realized she had sent the wrong man to prison. Two years after his release, the two met and the first words out of Cotton’s mouth to Jennifer were, “I forgive you.”

Forgiveness is difficult for many of us to comprehend. How can a man spend 11 years in prison after being wrongly convicted and not be angry but forgiving? Forgiveness is not saying that what was done was okay. It is not letting the person who hurt you off the hook of the responsibility for what they did. It is not making it okay for the other person; it is making your life okay. Forgiveness is freeing your spirit, heart and mind. Forgiveness is taking care of you and restoring your relationship with God to wholeness.

Forgiveness is required by God. In order to be forgiven, we must forgive. Lewis Smedes says in his book, “The Art of Forgiving” that there are three steps to forgiveness: Accept your own humanity, give up the right to get even and give well wishes to the person who offended or hurt you.

To accept our own humanity, we need to understand that not forgiving someone else is a sin. And that sin is no less hurtful or significant in God’s eyes to the offense committed by the other person. In God’s eyes we are on a level playing field and we need to see ourselves from God’s perspective.

Thoughts of revenge are common when someone has hurt us. We are not referring to acts of violence but we might consider giving the person who hurt us, the silent treatment or not involve them in a significant event or simply omit them from our life. However, there is typically nothing that the person who offended us can do to actually repay us for the hurt they caused. We will never be satisfied. Think of it like putting broken glass back together—there will always be lines and it will never be whole or as perfect as it was before the break. There will continue to be evidence of the brokenness. That is why it becomes our responsibility to let go of the desire to receive repayment from that person. In the letting go process, we forgive.

Wishing well for the person who hurt or offended us is one of the most difficult steps but one of the most cleansing. If we can honestly wish or hope that the person has a good life and that no harm comes to them, we can feel assured and know that we have truly forgiven them.

Forgiveness is not a one-time act. It is a process that can take years. The length of time is usually consistent with how long the offense continued or the seriousness of the offense. Sometimes future events can re-trigger the feelings. The beginning step is to say, I choose to forgive this person. It is a choice which is an intellectual decision. This does not mean our heart will follow that decision. We have to continue to work through our feelings so our heart catches up with our decision. If we are still in a relationship with the person who offended us, it requires us choosing to forgive again and again along the way because that person will likely trigger the offense over and over.

Forgiving does not mean forgetting. Forgiveness enables us to forget the intensity of the pain but not forget that it was painful. Giving birth is an example. Women remember it was painful but they don’t remember the pain specifically. In some situations it might be beneficial to remember the pain to avoid going back into a relationship with someone who could be hurtful to us.

Forgiveness is not reconciliation. Forgiveness is what happens inside of you while reconciliation is what happens in the relationship of you and another person. Forgiveness is something you do for yourself so that you can lead a joyous, productive life.