They’re unreliable, they’re irresponsible, they’re irritating, and they’re out of touch. They’re inappropriate, they’re rude, they’re cruel. And they’re family.

Relatives who just don’t fit—it seems like we’ve all got ‘em. There’s the uncle who hugs just a little too tightly, the in-law who made a mess of her life, the niece who doesn’t show up at reunions, and the son who walks to the beat of his own drum.

There’s the cousin who spits on you when he talks, the grandparent whose comments sound horribly racist, the sister who takes advantage of hospitality, the parent who left.

What’s the right way to deal with black-sheep relatives like these? Is there a right way? How should we handle things when our family ties become knotty and frayed?

Should we tolerate problems when they happen with relatives? Or, since blood is thicker than water, should we be more confrontational than normal when we’re within the family tree?

Should we pretend to like them even when we don’t? Should we completely ignore their acts of utter stupidity? Should we keep inviting them to reunions? Should we tolerate their insulting behavior, hiding our cringes, and then try to get over it later?

I’m a fixer by nature, so I have a tendency to view family members as opportunities for repair. I bring in my trusty relationship tool belt and my list of solutions for everybody, and then I expect people to patch up their problems my way so we can all coexist more comfortably.

I’ve got the key to resolving Cousin Todd’s money problems. I’ve got an answer for John and Linda’s marriage—and a way to peel their kids off the ceiling too, while we’re on the subject. I can tell you how Aunt Rachel could finally get happy, and if the in-laws would all just be a bit more flexible, we could really get along.

Couldn’t we?

A wise counselor friend once told me that the best way to deal with family members—especially difficult ones—is to simply be a family member to them. What he meant by this was that we should make efforts to bring the very best of family into the relationship. We should lead with love, reaching out to our relatives even when they hurt, annoy, and offend us.

This sounds much less complicated than it really is, of course, because past hurts can run deep, and because if there’s anybody on earth who can really get under your skin, it’s family.

Think about it, though. How would things change if you made an effort to bring the black sheep a little closer to the fold? What would be different if you practiced extra patience, built a bridge, agreed to disagree?

Now, I’m not going to say that there shouldn’t be any accountability or that we should turn a blind eye to real problems.

Still, there should come a time when you acknowledge that this family you’ve got is the only one you’ve got. It might never be perfect, but it will always be worth making a phone call, having a conversation, having a laugh.

Give it a try this week, won’t you? Instead of being the disciplinarian, the gossiper, the critic, the judge—yes, even the fixer—of your family’s black sheep, try focusing on being a dad, sister, nephew, aunt, son, grandma.

Try making it a loving relationship first and foremost. In the process, you just might discover one of the most beautiful sides of family: though the distances between us are great, the bonds are bigger.